Is it wrong to say what is on your mind? To be honest? Recently it seems that I keep saying things that upset people when I talk (and I don't talk very often so it hurts a lot when I finally open my mouth and things don't go well).

I try sometimes to say what I think I am expected to say, but the fact is I simply don't know what I am supposed to say, and even when I do, I feel fake for saying it, and if the conversation continues, it gets worse because you can only wear a false character so long before you begin to feel completely lost.

Now, one can say, "Oh, you should be yourself! Don't worry about what other people think!" But that is simply not practical. I know this because of what I have experienced. At a certain point I give up on trying to fulfill expectations because they don't suit the situation; I say what I am thinking because I think it is important or justified, or because someone insists that they want to know what I REALLY think. (I know that people very rarely mean that, but when people ask for a true opinion, I can't lie; it is my nature to do exactly as I am told when possible.)

Sometimes the other person is shocked; they think I have been inappropriate. They don't say so, because they are polite enough and they somehow know how to be natural and yet not say what they are thinking. But I can tell I was wrong to say what I said.

Sometimes the response to my words is a laugh, as if the person finds my honesty charming or witty. But this still means I was wrong because I have said something unusual, and therefore inappropriate. Laughter is better than silence, but I can't be sure whether what I said was thought rude or foolish or something else.

Sometimes the person actually hears what I am saying, and while they are still surprised, they are not afraid to ask for more words, which usually allow them to see that I really was being honest, and that I truly don't know what they were expecting me to say. I like this response best because it usually results in the person realizing that I really have no malicious intentions.

Invariably, though, I know that what comes out of my mouth is just not what people expect. And this makes me feel horribly inadequate and socially hopeless. Those words sound strong and depressing, but I'm not really depressed. Just confused. I guess I just don't know who I am, or what I am. Or what I'm supposed to be.

I do think I would like to write a TV show.